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Tonight while I was grilling steaks for dinner, my son said, "Dad, one day I will help you with bills, groceries and rent."
My eyes teared up.
He'll be 38 next week.
My eyes teared up.
He'll be 38 next week.
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My wife called me while I was driving home.
"Be careful," she said. "I've just heard on the radio there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the freeway."
I said, "One? There are hundreds of them!"
"Be careful," she said. "I've just heard on the radio there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the freeway."
I said, "One? There are hundreds of them!"
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Clinton retweeted
I was walking in a funeral procession with the other pallbearers, carrying a casket down the street.
A guy looked at all the fishing rods and tackle boxes stacked on top and said, "Wow, that person must have really been a fishing enthusiast."
I said, "Oh, no, that’s my wife in there. I'm going fishing afterwards.
A guy looked at all the fishing rods and tackle boxes stacked on top and said, "Wow, that person must have really been a fishing enthusiast."
I said, "Oh, no, that’s my wife in there. I'm going fishing afterwards.
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I was walking in a funeral procession with the other pallbearers, carrying a casket down the street.
A guy looked at all the fishing rods and tackle boxes stacked on top and said, "Wow, that person must have really been a fishing enthusiast."
I said, "Oh, no, that’s my wife in there. I'm going fishing afterwards.
A guy looked at all the fishing rods and tackle boxes stacked on top and said, "Wow, that person must have really been a fishing enthusiast."
I said, "Oh, no, that’s my wife in there. I'm going fishing afterwards.
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Clinton retweeted
Last night, all throughout dinner my wife's best friend's 4-year-old daughter stared at me from across the table.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her.
Finally, I asked, "Why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her.
Finally, I asked, "Why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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Clinton retweeted
I voted today, but I got confused by all the yard signs. I think I may have elected a realtor.
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Clinton retweeted
Arizona does not participate in rolling the clocks back an hour, BUT… the snowbirds that have arrived will roll their speed limit down to 20 mph.
Technically, it’s like losing an hour of time each direction you drive every day anyway.
Technically, it’s like losing an hour of time each direction you drive every day anyway.
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Last night, all throughout dinner my wife's best friend's 4-year-old daughter stared at me from across the table.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her.
Finally, I asked, "Why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her.
Finally, I asked, "Why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
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I voted today, but I got confused by all the yard signs. I think I may have elected a realtor.
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Clinton retweeted
One Friday afternoon I left work but Instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend off-roading with the guys and spent all my money.
When I finally got home on Sunday night, I was confronted by my wife.
After a couple of hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?"
I replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and I didn't see her.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for me to see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.
When I finally got home on Sunday night, I was confronted by my wife.
After a couple of hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?"
I replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and I didn't see her.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for me to see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.
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One Friday afternoon I left work but Instead of going home, I stayed out the entire weekend off-roading with the guys and spent all my money.
When I finally got home on Sunday night, I was confronted by my wife.
After a couple of hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?"
I replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and I didn't see her.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for me to see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.
When I finally got home on Sunday night, I was confronted by my wife.
After a couple of hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a few days?"
I replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and I didn't see her.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for me to see her a little out of the corner of my left eye.
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Clinton retweeted
It’s that time of year in the Arizona desert where no matter what outfit you choose to wear you're wrong!
Fall is at 7am, Spring is at 11am, Summer is at 1pm and Fall is back by 5pm.
Fall is at 7am, Spring is at 11am, Summer is at 1pm and Fall is back by 5pm.
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Clinton retweeted
Get outside and move your body. Enjoy what fresh air and sunshine will do for you.
Stop worrying about who doesn't clap for you.
Keep growing, keep going, and remember… sometimes the best audience is the one you become for yourself.
Have a fantastic day today! 😎🌵🇺🇸
Stop worrying about who doesn't clap for you.
Keep growing, keep going, and remember… sometimes the best audience is the one you become for yourself.
Have a fantastic day today! 😎🌵🇺🇸
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Clinton retweeted
Yesterday my wife and I were walking through our old neighborhood when we decided to stop by our old school.
We went inside and found the old desk where I'd carved, "I love you, Sally."
On our way home, a bag of money fell out of an armored truck right in front of us.
My wife grabbed it, and when we got home, we counted it. Fifty thousand dollars!
I told her, "Honey, we've got to turn this money in."
She said, "Finders keepers," put the money back in the bag, and hid it in the attic.
This morning, two FBI agents knocked on our door.
"Did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?" one of them asked.
My wife said, "No."
I said, "She's lying. It's up in the attic."
She turned to the agents and said, "Don't listen to him. He's getting senile."
The agents sat me down and said, "Sir, tell us the whole story from the beginning."
I said, "Well, my wife and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
One agent looked at the other and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
We went inside and found the old desk where I'd carved, "I love you, Sally."
On our way home, a bag of money fell out of an armored truck right in front of us.
My wife grabbed it, and when we got home, we counted it. Fifty thousand dollars!
I told her, "Honey, we've got to turn this money in."
She said, "Finders keepers," put the money back in the bag, and hid it in the attic.
This morning, two FBI agents knocked on our door.
"Did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?" one of them asked.
My wife said, "No."
I said, "She's lying. It's up in the attic."
She turned to the agents and said, "Don't listen to him. He's getting senile."
The agents sat me down and said, "Sir, tell us the whole story from the beginning."
I said, "Well, my wife and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
One agent looked at the other and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
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Yesterday my wife and I were walking through our old neighborhood when we decided to stop by our old school.
We went inside and found the old desk where I'd carved, "I love you, Sally."
On our way home, a bag of money fell out of an armored truck right in front of us.
My wife grabbed it, and when we got home, we counted it. Fifty thousand dollars!
I told her, "Honey, we've got to turn this money in."
She said, "Finders keepers," put the money back in the bag, and hid it in the attic.
This morning, two FBI agents knocked on our door.
"Did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?" one of them asked.
My wife said, "No."
I said, "She's lying. It's up in the attic."
She turned to the agents and said, "Don't listen to him. He's getting senile."
The agents sat me down and said, "Sir, tell us the whole story from the beginning."
I said, "Well, my wife and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
One agent looked at the other and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
We went inside and found the old desk where I'd carved, "I love you, Sally."
On our way home, a bag of money fell out of an armored truck right in front of us.
My wife grabbed it, and when we got home, we counted it. Fifty thousand dollars!
I told her, "Honey, we've got to turn this money in."
She said, "Finders keepers," put the money back in the bag, and hid it in the attic.
This morning, two FBI agents knocked on our door.
"Did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored truck yesterday?" one of them asked.
My wife said, "No."
I said, "She's lying. It's up in the attic."
She turned to the agents and said, "Don't listen to him. He's getting senile."
The agents sat me down and said, "Sir, tell us the whole story from the beginning."
I said, "Well, my wife and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
One agent looked at the other and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here."
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