It's going to be one of those weeks where I eat a lot of green beans that much I can tell you

A bamboo steamer makes eating your vegetables fun again

The new olivia tremor control album has some good stuff on it

Paging Dr. Monkey

Here’s some incredibly interesting information about Michigan

I don’t care who y’are, that’s just good policy right there!

The spirit of Kentucky meets tropical pineapple. Jim Beam pineapple. Best enjoyed together

Shew get your ornery rump in the shower boy you look like a haint and you smell saired

There should be a “McDonald’s Monopoly” esque promotion at the pumps. Would incentivize weary taxpayers to vote with their dollar and who knows maybe a couple of em would get to ride around on a cruiseboat

The atmosphere at the pumps is so gloomy it’s heretofore unseen levels of libbing out we’re indulging our Gen X friends

What’s better than parmesan cheese

My car is running out of gas faster than ever before. A foreign adversary is planting run out of gas molecules in the oil in order to induce panic ahead of the midterms

What are you doing later man? Want to drive our cars around?

Woke up so excited to eat my leftover spaghetti that I did a week’s worth of piled up dishes before having a single sip of coffee. But now that I’ve had my coffee and my morning BM I’m not even hungry. Might as well throw the spaghetti straight in the trash

Inflatable Halloween costumes are AI slop but sometimes the brain rot hits like when it’s a dopey looking penguin

The nematodes were out of pocket for eating spongebobs house but he got it back somehow. It all just sort of worked out in the end 🤷‍♂️

🚨 BREAKING: Situation continues to deteriorate as experts sound the alarm. “Nothing more that can be done.”

I don’t dress up for Halloween, I don’t vote—this is just not my season! Everyone thinks I’m a fucking asshole!

When you pee at a party and the seat has urine on it but you didn’t put the urine on the seat you have to clean the urine up so the next person in line doesn’t think you put urine on the seat