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her: no guy under 5’8” is attractive. that’s just facts
me: oh? explain this then
*i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*
me: oh? explain this then
*i reach in my back pocket and pull out a polaroid i took of my father sleeping in his underwear*
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she had it better the first time, second guy’s doin too much. what do you mean you’re “making a recipe”? food comes in prepackaged meals for a reason
my ex vs my current bfCommunity noteStolen directly from a 2023 Reddit post. Poster is stealing content to game the X Original Creator Fund.
reddit.com/r/texts/s/nIGa…
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my dad AKA my boss, told me last night if i ended up giving him bad fantasy football advice this week he’s going to punish my butthole. i cant imagine another workplace that has such a great dynamic. whose got it better than me??
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me: you wanna have fun at a wedding stick to the girls, they’ll keep you safe and make sure you have fun😂
my last surviving uncle: i never knew my nephew grew up gay. makes sense, your aunt told me you moisturize too
me: when i get the right to carry u’ll be the first i shoot
my last surviving uncle: i never knew my nephew grew up gay. makes sense, your aunt told me you moisturize too
me: when i get the right to carry u’ll be the first i shoot
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thank you everyone for the messages. it was a perfect day and i’m overjoyed to have this community to share it with!
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coworker: why are you wearing that? it’s like 90° out
me: oh, i hadn’t noticed.. (pulling the turtleneck up slightly)
C: hmmm.. (he rips all my clothes off, im fully covered in vampire bites) you’re a thrall?!
me: listen, it’s not what it looks like! these are from my dad
me: oh, i hadn’t noticed.. (pulling the turtleneck up slightly)
C: hmmm.. (he rips all my clothes off, im fully covered in vampire bites) you’re a thrall?!
me: listen, it’s not what it looks like! these are from my dad
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been on that radon mitigation/hvac type shit lately. they call him the dual threat tradesman🫣
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me: (pushing guy to the ground who’s walking slow) hey, move it asshole
him: s-sorry. (fumbling for his walking cane) ever since i lost my eyes im a bit slower
me: ah jesus, man (rummaging in his pockets. pulling out a couple bucks) just watch where you’re going next time
him: s-sorry. (fumbling for his walking cane) ever since i lost my eyes im a bit slower
me: ah jesus, man (rummaging in his pockets. pulling out a couple bucks) just watch where you’re going next time
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my soon to be wife is so cringy. what the hell does she expect me to say to this? blurred it out, but i basically just told her off
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me: think im gonna game with the boys tonight
wife: (pushes my head down and drips on my neck some of the serum they gave magneto in the 2003 X-Men movie) what do you really want?
me: on second thought let’s do each others makeup and watch Heated Rivalry
wife: (pushes my head down and drips on my neck some of the serum they gave magneto in the 2003 X-Men movie) what do you really want?
me: on second thought let’s do each others makeup and watch Heated Rivalry
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bunch of babies in a classroom, sitting at desks and taking notes on how to breastfeed. i’m in the back trying to copy one of the smarter babies work
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2 hours until i get to see Spider-Man on the ultra. got my white monster and i’m ready for ANYTHING. #PregnantForPeter
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traveling through time to stop hitler. attending his speeches, nudging the guy next to me and rolling my eyes whenever he says something outlandish. i’m scoffing and going “this guy can’t be serious, right?”
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