some guy just stumbled upon this sandwich in the woods

Ah man I'd love to come to your barbecue but I'm not hungry that weekend

cops are always like "can you tell me why you were going 90 in a 55?" and you have to explain to them that it literally gets you there way faster. just goes to show the guys who fail at math end up as cops.

if i ever found out a mouse lived in my home, and he had a small archway in the wall, and he lived in there with small, real furniture, and he ventured out nightly to get one olive or a small wedge of cheese. i would stop at nothing to end his life. i would spare no expense

Gigantic 2 mile long sandworm traversing vast stretch of desert: oh my god is that 4 dudes. This is just the satisfying meal I need for my big body

saw a guy in his driveway underneath a rolling computer chair working on it like he was working on a car

“Flesk”

me to my 4 year old son: i just got off the phone with santa and he is so angry about what you did that i am genuinely afraid for your life. we need to put you in hiding because at this point i think he would even kill me to get to you.

wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there's a gun*

Homeless guy: Caleb Pitts you will die on August 5th 2023 when a stray bullet flies through your bedroom window and into your neck.

Me [headphones in]: sorry brotha nothin on me

floy

if you live in floy please vote brog

(texting friend in Australia) hey man what’s tomorrow like? anything I should know ?

had a great run last night. ran passed an old grimace shake tik tok film site and a dead octopus on the sidewalk

if you find that submarine let me know

me and a bunch of my buddies are at the beach looking out at the ocean. still no sign of the submarine

a couple of us even waded out about waist deep

considering getting all the way in at this point. Is a bit cold.. also just washed my hair

having a little laugh thinking about my buddy describing a bad little Caesar’s hot n ready he had once as “All Ready. No Hot”

hard to not be at least a little bummed when one of your favorite restaurants announces “we are making some disgusting changes”

that is a great looking landing. Can see why you shared it

They said they Wanna see the toys 🤥😹 OK then 💯🙈🙉