Well … first things first. I’m sorry. Regardless of the circumstances, simply vanishing off this network in January 2024 would have deeply disappointed a lot of you. I can only apologise, and off the back of that I honestly don’t blame any of you for thinking the worst. If you kept on following me on Facebook, you would know that I had what I can only describe as a full-on breakdown. I should have tackled it head-on at the time, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

For what it’s worth, the most accurate (in my view) article about everything that happened is bbc.co.uk/news/articles/… (mainly because it took Essex Live ELEVEN MONTHS to update their own viral article with my version of events). I also covered everything in detail with @PaulMaleary in a video at youtu.be/wnXYOH7e_QM?si…

I’m not going to pretend that there aren’t a thousand other versions of what happened out there, including me having to flee the UK to Thailand as it was all a government psyop conspiracy, man. Feel free to believe whatever you want to believe, but I’m back to reassure you all that I’m still in South Essex, not South f*****g Bangkok. Impersonation on here was becoming an issue as well, so I know - I’m a hypocrite for restarting on X after slating it left, right and centre. Nobody’s perfect.

Like I said, believe what you want to believe. All I’ll add is that I’m not typing this on a mobile that I’ve smuggled up my chocolate starfish into Wormwood Scrubs. That’s not to say that I haven’t made mistakes though. No illusions about that. Some of my antics on this network were utterly cringeworthy. What’s done is done.

I’ve waffled enough now. Nobody likes a self-indulgent ramble and enough of you hate me as it is. Again, I don’t blame anyone for taking a dim view all things considered, but at least I haven’t deactivated (and I don’t mean in the social media sense), which was clearly the goal for a very small but dedicated group of people.

Much love to you all, lovers and haters regardless xxx

Just been refused entry to my local Tesco Extra, and I bet it’s because I was wearing a poppy. I’m disgusted - it’s 8.30 on a Sunday night and all I want is some milk and a loaf of bread, but some jobsworth just sent me away.

England have won the Cerebral Palsy World Cup for the first time, beating the USA 2-1 in the final in the states. Massive congrats to them! I’m posting about it because apart from one article on the BBC, the press doesn’t seem to be too bothered about it.

You know what? If those people were refused entry to a Wetherspoon PURELY AND SOLELY because they were wearing a poppy and there were absolutely no other factors that were omitted from the video, I will strip bollock naked and run the seafront from Southend Pier to Shoeburyness.

The new Docklands Light Railway trains have only just come into service in London, and my favourite new feature has to be the ‘driver’s panel’ at the front for kids.

DISCLAIMER: I only sat here for a few moments to get a photo, before vacating the seat to let some actual children play on it.

And …

BREAKING: Manchester United

Someone who volunteers for the RNLI has told me that at a recent meeting, they were informed that the total number of monthly supporters has now GROWN to more than 3,000,000 - this is before you even look at those making one-off donations. So, it seems like there are two scenarios here:

- More people are signing up than cancelling.

- Loads of people who are proudly declaring that they’ve ’cancelled their direct debits’ are talking out of their rusty balloon knot.

Personally I’m going to guess that it’s a bit of both.

… and if the sight of zero small boat landings in the last seven days will make you incredibly upset as you haven’t got anyone to scream at like an unhinged lunatic, look away now.

Just managed to change the time on the oven clock in under ten minutes. Where do I go to inform the Nobel Science Prize people?

I got one of the Christmas cups from Costa … well I can’t really call them CHRISTMAS cups because they don’t even say Christmas on them and they’re not very Christmassy just wintery so yet again there designing them to not upset you know who so will take my business elsewhere 😡

Can confirm. I was the £10,000.

F**k relegating City - Chelsea deserve expulsion for losing at home to this shower. #CHETOT

It’s interesting to see the government planning for a bid to have the Olympics in the north of England by the 2040s. Remember that night in 2012? You know - that moment just before this country completely lost its f*****g mind.

Reform people are complaining about Andy Burnham being on Gogglebox on Channel 4. When it comes to TV, Reform are platformed more than a fucking train, but apparently this is an issue.

Thank you Aston Villa for saving football!

I had a mad idea earlier for the government to consider, and you’re all going to think I’m crazy, but here goes anyway. Why not, and I know this sounds absolutely crazy, but why not just serve the whole parliamentary term until 2029 instead of calling yet another bloody election?

I’m here to save you loads of ranting over the next few months.

Nobody is banning Trick or Treating, Halloween, poppies, remembrance, fireworks, Christmas, or even saying ‘Merry Christmas.’

Anyone claiming any of these is just inciting hatred with wibbling thunderbollocks.

“God look at what’s been going on in the family that Prince Harry has married into!”

Oh mate …

The sad thing, and I mean the really sad thing, is that the most dedicated idiots out there will still criticise Meghan Markle for cutting all ties with her father.

WARNING TO PARENTS. I always open my kids’ advent calendars before giving them to them in December just to check that there’s nothing inappropriate. I was absolutely shocked today to see a gun and a hand grenade inside the Paw Patrol one in Tesco. Disgusting. Have complained.