Whenever someone tells me they’re an empath, I think, “wow, you must feel so annoyed right now.”

"I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil" -- @RobCrean

Saw this lady with a bag on her head in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and, I don’t know, just happy to be alive.

I can’t believe @JohnFKennedy tweeted this over 50 years ago and it still has zero likes.

“live in between albums” is now available!

perfect for if you enjoy my comedy but haven’t heard this album yet!

thanks to @raminnazer for the cover art, to @blondemedicine for producing it, and to @RobCrean for having me on The Gas where i recorded it!

blondemedicine.com/bm004

All the people upset about The Little Mermaid being black sound so stupid. That said, if I get there and Ursula isn't a big titted butch, I will burn the theater down.

I've know for a while that methane,the gas in farts, has no smell, so when you "smell a fart" that's actually microscopic fecal matter in your nose, but I just learned farts also have no sound, so if you hear a fart that's micro doo-doo in your ears!

I don't look AT purses, I look THROUGH them.

I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil.

They say if during your day you meet an asshole, hey, you met an asshole, but if all day long all you meet is assholes, you're the asshole. Well, today, I am definitely an asshole.

Just saw what appeared to be a 25 year old kid sharing a vape with his mom.

I JUST found out Billy Joel fans call themselves "Holy Joelers".

What does this man have to do to get his name in the headline?

Nothing tastes as good as pooping it out feels.

Watching Stranger Things 4 with Heather. I keep saying, "They shouldn't have yelled at Eddie Munson." and she keeps saying, "They actually didn't yell at Eddie Munson!"

Stranger Things has such made up sounding names, Max Mayfield, Eddie Munson, Finn Wolfhard, Millie Bobbi Brown.

Stop saying you tricked your wife into marrying you. If you think that's a cool thing to say, we do all agree it's true and it bums us out when you say it.

Yes! I moved to NY in 2011 but came back occasionally and did The Gas!

They took grammar so seriously at my school bullies would ask if I wanted a "hurts doesn't it."