Barry/Gerry, I know you're reading this. I want you to know you fucking suck ass.

I just wanna say I was a very strange 3 year old

Holy shit the French have lost their minds

He’ll Be Outta Office In 2yrs But I’ll NEVER Forgive The 77million Of U Who Did This To Our Country!!!! I Will Absolutely NEVER Forgive U!!!

So loser wants to tell trans people what *he* thinks but when people tell him what they think it's blocking time... Ok lol

I love tweets like this because they make me think

about how the people who should care, don't care.

I can’t believe Abdul El-Sayed would accept a $400 million jet from the largest financial backer of the Muslim Brotherhood.

Oh, wait. That was Donald Trump.

Google is going to force me to buy a new phone this is crazy. The last update WAS COMPLETE ASS.

I remember I interned at this one law firm and they offered me a job and I thought, "ew"

Just a reminder: in 1995, Chicago experienced a major heat wave. Almost 800 people died. Afterward, there was a concerted effort to provide air conditioners and cooling centers. In 2012 there was a worse heat wave but only 26 people died as a result.

Air conditioning works.

I hate when you follow new people and the algorithm decides those are the only tweets you get to see and then you end up liking a bunch of them and now you look like a total creep

Honesly, nothing online really bothers me unless someone's like, actually gonna try to kill me.

The funk soul brother

Before unfollowing me pls lmk which tweet was your last straw

I was wondering why this lady blocked me and then

mi ideologia primaria es dark woke, quiero que las mujeres sean ceos y presidentas y que los hombres sigan su verdadera vocacion de ser strippers y objetos sexuales

Seeing me irl is rare im mostly a concept

Following someone and they immediately follow you back

fighting the patriarchy by being the less domestically capable person in my heterosexual relationship

You know those guys who stand inside Walmart and try to sell you a cell phone plan?

My friend makes $300k a year doing that

Seriously

Here’s his secret:

He hides behind the hemorrhoid creams and jumps out whenever someone walks by

He starts pitching them an unlimited cell plan…but 10 seconds in, he pauses and says,

“Or I’ll just shut up and walk away now for 5 bucks.”

About 200 people take him up on it each day

$1k a day/$300k a year with some days off

He has a 95% close rate

Lesson: create a problem and sell the solution

RT @badgalbink: It is very crazy to me that people are shocked the birth rates are low. You created an extremely expensive and unsafe envir…