Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

I asked this girl who was the most handsome man in the world and she said Ewan McGregor and I was like “thanks but you can only pick one”

Massive stock market rout today, particularly in tech. Is that more or less it or is there worse to come?

"You've made me an offer I'm going to refuse"
- Veto Corleone

Date: Let's swap numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

"The marquee collapsed halfway through the wedding"
"Sounds like a portent"
"Yes, it was very cheap"

Two actors from Hot Fuzz have now been in films where they're screwed by a wicker man.

I've always said, you may hate The Beatles but your favourite band will cite them as a major inspiration.

"No, I won't deliver your baby" – obstinatetrician

It's an old joke that someone abroad will ask if you know someone from your home country. Was in a Dorset vineyard yesterday and my mum asked a New Zealand staff member if she knew my cousin Trina, who worked in a Vineyard in Auckland. Answer: Yes, and they were very good mates.

Right, and I can't explain why, but the beginning of the day, the week and the year all also have a similar vibe.

I struggle to imagine a scene where Connery, Moore or Brosnan play an underdog character coming off second best to another guy while trying to impress a woman. I can imagine it with all these three.

Translation: "Could these guys ever be mogged? Answer: Yes"

"James Bond doesn't need to be that striking cos he's a spy who needs to blend in to the crowd" sounds sensible but completely ignores that the films in no way have him be a conventional spy. He's a fantasy figure who tells everyone "I'm James Bond" wherever he goes.

If I asked someone "What is Wilson?" and they gave me THIS as an answer, I'd think they were insane.

I've always thought the 'Works Cited' meme crack pipe looks like a mushroom and yesterday I found the perfect one.

Child psychologist: Do you have any questions?
Me: How did you get a degree when you're only six?

Saw a mushroom today and thought "Works cited"

Well-understood phrases aren't meant to be broken down into their constituent words. Complaining about "Can I get..." in shops just sounds like pedantic teachers insisting on "May I use the bathroom". I guarantee you also say some things that don't make sense when taken literally

...if you ask "Do you have the time?" they could reply "Yes, I do". Even if you ask "Could you tell the time?" they could reply "Yes, I could". Obviously the word 'please' helps here, but the point of language is to be understood and if a phrase is clear then it's done its job.

Just randomly came across this tweet. First I read the text, then I clocked the date it was posted, then I saw who posted it.