I miss the summer…

The police stopped me for speeding. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 60 miles an hour?"

I said, "I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long"

Here is a picture of my Christmas Tree.

It's still in the shed... because it's November.

I was chatting to a woman on the train into Cardiff this morning, she told me that people call her Vivaldi.

l said:, “You must be a brilliant violinist."

She said: "No, I work in Aldi, my name is Vivien."

I just watched a horror film about the dyslexic zombies?

They only eat Brians.

You come from dust and you will return to dust.

That's why I don't vacuum or dust, It could be someone I know.

My dear old nan always used to say, 'No Man is an island, well except for Barry...Barry is an Island.”

I just found out that I failed the RAF entrance exam.

Apparently the Bomb Bay Doors are not an Indian tribute act.

One for last night, clever though.

Garden visitor.

I went to my local Coffee Shop this morning and said to the barista:

'Can I have a cappuccino please?'

She said: 'Is that to sit in?'

I said: 'No, I'm going to drink it!’

My friend said, “I hear you have tattoos all over your shoulders and back.”

I said, “Yes, and when people are sad I let them color in.”

He asked, “Why would you do that?”

I told her, “Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.”

I asked the decorator:
"What is Satin Finish?"

He said: "No idea, but if it's any help I know what Chair is in Swedish".

I was sacked from the garden centre today.

My boss brought a customer over and said, "He wants decking."

It’s the Lidl things…

My friend got on a flight to Helsinki and I haven't seen him since.

He just vanished into Finnair.

I suffer from insomnia. However there is a positive side, only six more sleeps until Christmas.

If only they had collars @CThomas663